This is the First Assignment for the 2021 Shades of Intimacy Intensive. Check it out. We want to start this experience as clean as possible, and I think I’ve hit on some good points that will help you.
HOW DO YOU FORGIVE WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN HURT.
Like REALLY HURT.
My friend Carolyn Elliot recently brought the topic up and it was immediately relevant to me. In fact, I KNEW as I was reading the words that they were meant for ME.
Then I was talking with another friend, and Forgiveness came up. Then another friend. Then a THIRD one this morning.
So based on all of this, let’s take a look at Forgiveness. HOW TO DO IT!
And just so you know, let me repeat: This is as much for me as for you. And also: I’ve done it. So I know the benefits and the results. This is real world stuff.
1. Notice how much it hurts to not be forgiving.
This is something I’ve gotten good at. It might have to do with all the body yoga intimacy meditation work I do, but I can really FEEL it in my body when I’m angry or resentful and even thinking about someone who hurt me. Now let me be clear here, this is DIFFERENT than the pain they caused. If someone punches you in the gut, it’s gonna hurt. And it might take time to heal. That’s natural. What I’m talking about is that MENTAL EMOTIONAL grind I go into, the resentment, the stories, the repeated over and over negativity. THAT is what doesn’t feel good. And here is the crazy thing. Once you get in touch with it, you will realize just as I realized… it’s YOU. You are responsible for that pain. Seriously. Because the pain of the punch (let’s call it that) is gone. That happened in the past. It’s the RELIVING it that really hurts. It’s no go. No Bueno! And that is what you got to start noticing. For example, I was having a great day yesterday spending time petting my cat. Simple gratitude flooded me, I was having a great moment. Then suddenly I felt like crap. Why? It shocked me to realize my mind had turned to resentment, hatred, and bitterness (just like that, without me knowing it at first). I went into the past, and was angry, and here’s the bottom line. It didn’t FEEL GOOD! So that’s where you have to start. Start by really noticing how much it hurts to not forgive. And swallow the bitter pill that it’s YOU doing this to yourself. It was MY thoughts that interrupted my beautiful moment with my cat. MY THOUGHTS. MY RESPONSIBILITY. MY PAIN.
Start noticing.
2. Imagine what it would feel like to be completely free from the anger and hurt you feel.
The first step above uses our unique human endowment of Self-Awareness, something I train on specifically every day, and if anyone comes into my field, that’s part of the work we will do. It all starts there. As Socrates said: The unexamined life is not worth living. This is TRUTH. At least for me.
But the next unique human endowment is IMAGINATION. We can imagine something that doesn’t exist. And FEEL what it would feel like. THIS IS HOW WE CREATE. So… now you get to use your unique human endowments of imagination, and really imagine what it would FEEL like to be completely free of the anger and hurt.
This is up to you. This is your work. And you CAN do it. I promise you. I’ve led myself and so many people I know and love through this process. YOU CAN FEEL BETTER. You CAN imagine it. I promise. And this is what you’ve GOT TO DO if you really want to feel better over the long term.
Because you are creating a reality with your imagination. On one hand FEELING the effects of the anger on YOU… and now creating a vision of what it feels like without the anger. This is HUGE. You are starting to really SEE and FEEL your responsibility. You can experience it in REAL TIME.
3. Consider the fact that you feeling angry and hurt is not doing anything to help anyone at all, ever.
Write this down. Is it possible my anger and hurt is not helping anyone? It certainly isn’t helping YOU. It never helps ME. I feel like crap. I hate feeling like crap. I think a lot of thoughts that make me feel bad, and I’m over it feeling bad. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I mean, all we have is TIME, right? And we waste it feeling anger over something someone did to us. Okay… it might be shitty what they did, but now it’s your life. What do you want to feel? And at the core of this is your own personal power, your responsibility for how you feel. Consider. Think about it. Journal. Is ANYONE benefitting from your feelings of hurt and anger?
4. Remind yourself that just because you forgive, it doesn't mean you have to let the person who harmed you back into your life.
This is good point to get clear on. I’ve misunderstood this myself, and see a lot of people do it as well. You can forgive them, stop feeling angry and sad and hurt, and never talk to them again, and be just fine, and feel good about yourself and manifest a beautiful life.
If you have the misunderstanding that forgiving someone means necessarily having them in your life, take some time to feel this one out. It does NOT.
5. Remind yourself that you've learned from what you've experienced.
This is a good one. You experienced some contrast, yes? You trusted someone, and they betrayed you. Bad. Okay, so what? What did you learn? Not to trust? No, dig deeper. What did you learn about YOURSELF? About your capacity to love, to forgive, to move on, to take responsibility? What did you possibly learn about your own delusions and hopes that you pinned on others to make you happy, and they disappointed you. What if you learned that you are the source of your own happiness, your own freedom, your own power, and that no one else could have ever given you what you wanted without you giving it to yourself first? Perhaps that was a painful less, but perhaps it’s a DIAMOND of a lesson that will shine on you and the world for LIFETIMES TO COME.
6. Imagine the person that hurt you feeling ecstatically happy, at peace, loved and loving.
Use your imagination again. Pray for them to feel the love they never got. Pray for them to feel the freedom and the fullness they never go. Chances are, and let’s be real, if they loved themselves, if they were full of confidence and truth and connection to the divine, they never would have hurt you. Hurt people… hurt other people. It’s that simple.
So… wish them well. Really truly with them well. Give them the love they didn’t have.
Why do this? Because it will make you FEEL better and that’s what really matters. And it also raises the vibration on this planet, and more loving means less betrayal and less pain and less need for forgiveness.
It’s the STRONG thing to do. It’s the heroic thing to do. Wish them well. Truly and completely. Wish them well and let them go.
7. Imagine yourself feeling ecstatically happy, at peace, loved and loving.
Here we go again using our imagination. Embody feeling better. I promise you, I SERIOUSLY PROMISE. YOU CAN FEEL BETTER. And when you do, when you do this practice, ask yourself: Why ever feel shitty again? If you have the power and the freedom to feel better, why not?
Let them go. And choose in on an ecstatic, eager, frisky, joyful life. Forgiveness is the GOOD NEWS IN YOUR LIFE.
Once you feel this, you’ll start rushing around forgiving everyone and everything. You’ll realize you just don’t have time for feeling crappy and won’t stand for it.
This is real. I’ve done it. It actually works.
In Conclusion
Let me conclude with a few words from my friend Carolyn, who says it better than I could:
“Keep doing this reflection every day, devoting lots of time to imagining the person who hurt you feeling happy and to you feeling utterly wonderful, too -- and you'll achieve the forgiveness you're after.
Not only that, but you'll just be happier in general. And fun stuff will start to happen in your life- weird, cool synchronicities.
You'll get more done.
You'll sleep better.
I'm not lying. Try it.
Forgiveness isn't something that happens when you just say, "I forgive him / her / myself." That only works for the very smallest of things, things that didn't even hurt you or offend you that much to begin with.
For stuff That's a Big Deal, you need to go deeper. You need to engage your imagination to super-charge your good will. Good will is the juice that makes forgiveness possible.
And the act of forgiving increases the amount of good will that you have. And then you're better able to forgive, because you've got more juice. And then things rock.”
---Isn’t that wonderful? I got to say, I LOVE FEELING GOOD. Not just half good, not fake good, but deep down wonderful manifesting a magical life good. Peace good. Sleep well good. Creating what I want good. There is no better way to live.
So let’s start with forgiveness!
And everyone say a thank you to Carolyn for dropping the frame of this process right when I was ready for it most. I’ve been doing this for about a year now, and she helped me take it to the next level.
If you are reading this, then you are ready. You manifested his process. Take responsibility for your magic, and do what you just told yourself to do!
FORGIVE!
With Love,
Jason